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The Mod

Crazy coincidence there. I'm a pensive rocker, now questioning parts of my identity that haven't been pondered before. It's fucking scary.


Like I said, you are always incredibly welcome to come talk to me, in person, or on my personal blog. (The offer to talk to me on my personal blog applies to anyone, I should state!) And QueerSA is always a resource on this campus.

I know it’s scary but you’re not alone. ♥

Hi. I go to a small college that just did a "monthly gay movie" showing. While watching it, it dawned on me that I might be gay. I'm feeling a bit nervous and self doubting. Any suggestions?


Okay, so I know this is a little bit weird, however, I go to the school you’re referring to. I know this because I hosted the event! The internet is a small place, is it not? (If you need further proof in case there are other small colleges that have “monthly gay movies” at the exact same time, I am a student at Simon’s Rock.)

Firstly, I know that questioning your sexual orientation is completely normal (even if you’re not actually under the LGBQA+ spectrum!) and while it can be scary and nerve-wracking, it doesn’t have to be if you have support. There are plenty of resources available online and all over most college campuses (especially this one for you, anon) and the process of figuring out your sexual preferences can be eased by a proper support system. Feeling nervous is perfectly okay though, even with a support system. It can be a scary idea to realize that something like sexual orientation is not what you thought it always was. 

Secondly, I’ll make a personal offer to you. Assuming that you are actually a Simon’s Rock student, if you would like to come talk to me personally, my phone extension is *4118. You are completely welcome to call me, and I will let you know what my room number is, and you can come talk to me directly. My room is a completely safe space and anything you want to talk about will be confidential. And even if you don’t feel safe talking to me directly, the Queer Straight Alliance which I lead meets every Monday, and that is always a safe place, for LGBTQIA+ people, and straight and cis people, and anyone questioning. 

Is there a less disgusting term for dry humping?


Some other terms for it are non-penetrative intercourse and outercourse! Those are clunky, of course, but when it comes to an aversion to certain terms, even clunky things may help. 

i think i have a problem. based on the content of some of the stuff that gets my heart beating, i think i may have a bit of a masochistic fetish. i'm not really sure what i should do about it... i have so far chosen to abstain, but i'm sort of fearful of what my sex life will look like because of this... ._.' any advice?


BDSM when practiced in a safe and healthy manner is totally okay to be into. I promise you. It’s okay that you feel this way. 

I’d advise you looking up BDSM and kink communities online and exploring a bit. See what exactly goes on, read about the “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” and “Risk-Aware Kink” concepts, talk to people involved in the lifestyle and in the sexual practice. If you become more comfortable with the idea, you may eventually ready to try some of these things for yourself. Don’t push yourself, but I’d definitely advise trying to be more comfortable with the idea!

i have a question regarding consent issues involving bystanders. specifically about why so-called sex positive people get mad when someone points out that bystanders don't/can't consent to witness or hear sexual activities, and also about how some people on tumblr get offended at requests for them to tag their nsfw posts. i was under the impression that good consent rules apply to *everyone*, not just whoever wants to have sex loud or post porn. am i wrong?


I’m not sure exactly what you’re asking, but I’ll try my best to answer. 

No, bystanders really can’t consent to witness sexual activity. And they are within their right to be uncomfortable, offended, triggered, anything, by it. There are a variety of reasons why one might not be comfortable seeing or hearing sexual activities, and it is important to respect that, whether it just be that they’re feeling a little awkward, or that they’re triggered and reminded of a sexual assault.  

I want to use condoms on my silicone toys to keep them safer and easier to clean. But I worry that the lube inside of condoms might be silicone based...? (the brand I use right now is Durex, if it matters)


It depends on what kind of Durex condom you are using - Durex Classic condoms use their Classic lube, which is water based and safe to use with silicone toys. However, some of the “special” lubricated condoms, such as the ones that add tingling sensations, are silicone based. 

As long as you use a Durex condom that does not have any special lubrication applied to it, it should be the Durex classic lube! If you are unsure if the condoms you use have a special lubrication, check on their website

Is it true that the pill can make you fat? Because I've heard different things but basically I've been thinking about going on the pill but I really don't want to gain any weight and I'm genetically predisposed to gain weight relatively easily. What's your experience with this matter?


Changes in your hormone levels, no matter what it is the result of, can make your weight fluctuate. However, very few people on the pill gain weight, and if they do, it is usually only a couple of pounds.

If gaining weight could be an actual health risk for you, talk to a doctor about a different form of birth control, or perhaps the progestin-only pill. However, I do have to say that if you’re concerned about gaining weight for body image purposes… Try not to sweat it. (I know this can be hard for some people!) Changes in your size and fat distribution are completely normal, as long as they don’t happen drastically and dramatically, and should not be as feared as they are. 

can you get pregnant if you dryhumped your boyfriend but he didnt ejaculate and there was no precum? both of us were fully clothed but his hard on touched me through the fabric if that makes sense.


If there was no semen-to-vulva contact, you cannot get pregnant. That is worth repeating. If semen does not come into contact with your vulva, there is absolutely no chance of pregnancy. It should also be mentioned that sperm cannot pass through clothing.

Grind all up on your boyfriend without worry!

I need to go on birth control, and while my parents have agreed to pay for it and such, they aren't doing anything about it. I ask about it, and then it's "Yes, ok". Nothing happens unless I drive them about it, and then they get snappy. I've asked mum to call a specialist (I have an autoimmune disease and we're not sure if that might have any effects on me/the BC), and she continually says she's going to, then doesn't call them. She also won't let me call them myself. (con't)


(BC anon con’t) I can’t afford to pay for the BC myself (and I don’t know of any place that will help me - I’m in QLD, aus), and my partner can’t help either. We are basically stuck depending on my parents, and (as said) they’re being unhelpful. Any ideas?

Try to confront them (don’t be accusatory though) about the fact that they are being unhelpful and evasive. Ask if there is a reason behind it. If there is, talk through it. Tell them that you don’t want to bother them but that this is something very important. 

I am not familiar with establishments in any part of Australia that will assist with contraceptives and the likes. If any of my followers know, though, could you shoot a message this way and give some input? If your parents are still being evasive of the subject and not doing anything, even after talking to them, it may be worth it to seek out a place that will provide you with birth control that you can afford. 

I want to talk about getting birth control pills, with my mother. The only problem is that she is very conservative and believes in waiting until marriage. Do you have and advice on how to talk to difficult parents about sex?


I do, actually. My own parents are quite conservative and talking to them about sex has never been easy, especially when it came time to tell them that I was studying to be a sex educator, of all things!

Firstly, just sit down with her and express right up front that it may be a difficult topic, but that you want to be open with her. 

If the birth control pills are actually for contraception, and you’d like her to know that you’re sexually active, then tell her that you know her beliefs on the subject, but you are making an informed decision about what to do with your body and that you want her to respect that you are mature enough to decide such things for yourself. If they’re for health reasons, then just tell her that! Explain to her the benefits that come from taking birth control, even though it are usually used to prevent pregnancy. 

If she’s still against it, or reacts badly, then there are always ways to get birth control without parental consent. Some people are uncomfortable hiding such things from their parents though - and that’s okay. But let your mother know that you would like her to respect your beliefs just as you respect hers, and she may be open to listening to you.

As for general advice on how to talk to conservative parents about not-so-conservative topics - I’ve found that if you show them that you are making a responsible and informed decision for yourself, they tend to respect it a bit more. In my personal experience parents tend to see their children as younger than they really are, (older siblings do this too, you just don’t see the aging as much as the individual does) and they want to protect them from things. If you prove you’re maturely thinking about these things, they may listen to you more carefully. If parents react very badly and irrationally (even dangerously) though, you are always within your right to hide things from them. Your safety and health are always top priority, and if your parents would prefer to deny you access to birth control and contraceptives rather than you have healthy, safe sex, hiding the things that allow you to have healthy, safe sex is completely okay. 

I'm sixteen, so I'm afraid that I'll just be thought of as going along with the flow and just trying to be cool, but I honestly and truly think that I'm asexual. Should I come out as such, even though I know basically none of my associates will believe me?


You should come out whenever you are prepared to do so. Coming out - as anything, asexual, bisexual, trans*, is a deeply personal process. Whether or not the people in your life will believe you only matters if it matters to you. And honestly, if they don’t believe you or at least respect your identity, regardless of your age, or even because of it, they are not the greatest people to have around. Your age should not play a role in the perceived validity of your sexuality. 

Can people have multiple sexualities? One of my friends says she is objectum sexual and bisexual. Is this possible?


It could be that your friend is phrasing it like that because she finds that no other single word can describe her sexual orientation - attraction to two (or multiple/all, depending on the use) genders, and also attraction to objects. (This is only what I presume is what your friend is trying to convey, I’m not trying to say that this is exactly what your friend is attracted to.)

In this sense, yes, people can have multiple “sexualities.” By which I mean, they can have multiple words to describe their sexual attractions. In reality, you only have one sexual orientation, no matter who or what you’re attracted to, but it may be hard or impossible to use one word to describe your sexual orientation. 

I know that’s semantics. But, really. Language is often insufficient, and sexuality is complex. You can’t expect everyone to only use one word when trying to describe their sexuality. 

Please help - I am only romantically attracted to myself. I always try to pamper myself and really believe in myself. I write love letters and poems to myself. I want to do whatever makes me happy, just like people want to make their spouses happy. I think I'm beautiful but I'm not totally narcissistic because I really care about other people. I treat myself the same way people treat their significant others. Is this weird? What is this sexuality called??? What do you recommend I do?


An attraction to yourself (sometimes people use the term to describe an attraction solely to people very similar to themselves) is called “autosexuality.” You could be autosexual, or autoromantic. 

I’m not the one to give you advice on what to do - if you’re okay only being romantically and/or sexually attracted to yourself, then hey, you do you. No pun intended. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of this being your sexuality, then re-evaluate yourself, and find out where you stand with romantic and sexual attraction, and maybe re-evaluate your attitudes on “acceptable” sexualities.

This isn’t a “weird” sexuality to have, perhaps uncommon, but there’s a bunch of people out there anyway who feel the same. 

I have heard about people who are sexually and romantically attracted to objects rather than people, like the lady who married the Eiffel tower. Do you consider this a valid sexuality? I think I might be objectim-sexual, as I believe this is called.


If I’m correct, I think it’s objectumsexual. Some people put in a dash, like objectum-sexual. But I’m not entirely sure. 

All sexual orientations are valid!

Hi, I'm 18 and very naive for my age. I don't experience sexual attraction but then again I lived on a farm with very few people my age around. I just moved to the city and haven't got to know anybody yet. Could my lack of sexyal and romantic attraction be based upon my isolation or could I be asexual? If I fantasize about sex sometimes it turns me on and if it doesn't it seems to be because I don't know very much about sex and therefore, don't know what to picture. Any suggestions?


It could very well be based on your isolation - perhaps you have just never met anyone you were attracted to. And the fact that you fantasize about sex indicates that you’re interested in it, to some degree. 

(For the record, that doesn’t mean you couldn’t be asexual. Many asexual people fantasize about sex and even sometimes have sex.) 

My only advice is, don’t stress over it. Meet some people in the city. If you find someone you’re sexually or romantically attracted to, then you find someone. If you don’t, then you don’t, and maybe you are asexual. All I can say is, keep an open mind.